Veteran's Day

  Today is Veteran's Day.  As I finish working the night shift, I silently walk back to my dorm in the darkness of the morning.  It's raining slightly and I can't help but feel as if this weather fits my mood perfectly.  Checking my facebook, I notice that a large portion of my military associates have changed their profile picture to show them in uniform and I reflect upon my own employment in the military.

I don't have any appreciation for what I do.  I just finished working a twelve hour shift where I did absolutely nothing but watched Game of Thrones and Football on television while bullshitting with anyone else that was there.  This is what my life in the military has come down to, sitting around and doing nothing for half the day while the other half is wasted on sleep.  I can't help but think of what everyone else is doing in their careers and what differences they've made for others and themselves.

I don't like it when people say 'Thanks for serving' or want to shake my hand in the airport when they see me in uniform.  It's been five years and the majority of it feels wasted.  I feel ashamed to be thanked while there are people out there who are dying and sacrificing their lives.  I try not to associate myself with the military when I'm off duty but it's nearly impossible, here in Korea.  I don't like talking about my job.  I have absolutely nothing to brag about. 


While others will be posting pictures of themselves in uniform, I'll be making plans to reenlist for four years.  I didn't know why I joined in the first place.   To make a difference?  To serve?  To be greater than I was?  I'm just as confused now as I was then.  I just want to survive.  I'm done with the whole esprit de corps or brotherhood aspect of the military.  It's never worked for me and I don't need it.  I'm going to dedicate these last years towards a better life for myself.  I will be attending classes and improving my own abilities, not dedicating my life towards a bullshit cause or to support my fellow work center associates.

Everything you see in modern movies about the military is bullshit.  For me, it's become a typical job.  I'll continue to type away at a computer and follow orders, but I've gained nothing for going above and beyond, not even a better understanding of myself, except for the fact that I've been naive and easy going for far too long. 

So thanks to all those who've served for a reason and accomplished something.  Everyone else... well, keep posting those facebook pictures for the attention.  I hate that website more each day.

This Sun is a Star in Someone Else's Sky

   I dreamt about being accepted into a space program and having the chance to explore the stars.  The program had different projects ranging from 10-30 years in space.  No matter which mission I decided to join, I'd be gone a long time.  There were only a few remaining, which had not yet filled up, so I had very little time to decide, lest I'd lose this one and only chance.  I thought about what I would do, instead of taking up this offer.  I thought of what I'd miss out on, if I did decide to embark on this journey.  How many people I would leave behind.  How many memories would fade.  What I would come back to.

   Then I realized that it was space- the final frontier, as Star Trek famously put it.  This was a chance of a lifetime- it would be the ultimate catharsis that I could ever experience.  As I imagined staring out unto Earth, watching it grow smaller and smaller, I would purge myself of all basic self-absorbed pettiness that makes me who I am and become something new.  I'd be reborn in space, no longer bound to the thoughts and rules of a naive and unremarkable civilisation that was truly invisible to the massive and unimaginable realm of space and anything else that could possible inhabit it.

   So I accepted the offer.  A ten-year trip into the stars- a routine mission to study our solar system.  I'm not sure if the habitable conditions would be similar to the Enterprise or the brief shuttle scene at the end of Gattaca.  Anyhow, it didn't matter.  I decided to leave everything and everyone behind.  As I only had a few brief days to say my goodbyes, I recall a tumultous exchange of words and feelings with a number of people, especially my mother.  I didn't know if I could return to a world that I'd still recognize, or who'd still be alive by then.  Ten years.  It seems like such a small number but in my mind, it was unimaginable.  With this in mind, I began to wonder if I should've chosen a longer mission.  Perhaps thirty years would be more comforting to the soul than ten.  It would be easier to return to the Earth as a new man, no longer chained to anything or anyone.  For all I know, there is no difference between ten, twenty, or thirty.  Why not spend my entire life within the stars?  Why limit myself to a number?  In the end, it would not matter.  All that mattered was that I made a decision to leave my life behind, and dedicate myself to a new set of obligations.

   And then I woke up, before I could truly take off into the sky.  I didn't leave anyone, afterall.  Do you ever have dreams that are so remarkable, that when you wake up, you feel a sudden emptiness inside as you realize that none of it was real?  I've had a few of those.  I've had visions of beautiful terror- worldly destruction wrought by nature and man.

    I've seen an atomic bomb explode before my eyes in such vivid detail that when I woke up, I could still recall every precise moment.  I've seen a distant asteroid pierce the sky and slam into the earth, bathing the entire world in a cleansing flame.  And in both dreams, I felt no horrendous terror- simply a peaceful calm.  Only after waking up, do I feel a sort of emptiness inside as if I had suddenly left an entire world behind.

   I've met individuals who I thought I've known forever.  I've been able to connect with them at such a level that upon waking up, I felt immense guilt at losing them, as if I had let them die in another life.  I'm not sure if all of this is symbolic or an attempted interpretration of my consciousness.  Perhaps these rare bursts of emotion are my attempts to experience feelings that I normally won't allow or simply cannot express in daily life.

   It's very difficult for myself to be honest and express myself.  I am socially inept in public and extremely self conscious of my emotions and words.  Because of this, I tend to stumble over what I say as I'm usually attempting to combine multiple sentences or words at once, and it just becomes a social mess.  It's no wonder that I prefer not to talk and therefore remain "down-to-earth", a phrase which I find to be highly ironic.  In my dreams, I don't need to talk in order to properly communicate with my surroundings.  It is a very welcoming change.

So I'll continue dreaming of the days that will not be, for though they are but reverie, they're real enough for me.

And Further

I knew where choice would lead me
And I dared not go astray
To fear the path that followed
Twould haunt me every day
So here I stand in longing
For the things that could not be
I've blundered past my senses
And fled unfaithfully
No more can I catch in my hands
A spark of falling dawn
I've lost all reason in my soul
And now my dream is gone.

Excuse me sir, your face is spewing too much noise...

I'd really like to enjoy my work environment. Granted- it sucks. 12 hours of boring and mindless tediousness isn't fun. However, I find it very difficult to enjoy the presence of the people around me. I'll be the first one to say it- it's me. I suppose I just don't like people anymore in general, because I find it incredibly difficult to converse with them on everyday topics. Everyday topics bore me.

As the incredibly deep quote from Salinger goes, “I'd Pretend I Was One Of Those Deaf-Mutes.". I think I would prefer that, to just not hear anyone or talk to them. I get along with everyone and do my best to never stir any pots or engage in drama, but I feel as if it's middle school all over again with how terrible people talk about each other, whether its jokingly or not.

I admit, I have my vices and sometimes engage in these conversations. As I like to say, "Gossip makes the world go round." I do it without too much thought though, and before I realize it, I've said something incredibly stupid or demeaning. I'd rather not talk at all and just keep to myself, as I had in the past, at my previous base. I'd actually come to work, angry about something or someone, take the farthest computer, and just quietly do my work and brood away without anyone bothering me.

However, I'd rather not make that sort of impression here. I want to get along with everyone and make a good example of myself, but I don't want to fall into this net of petty drama that I see everyday. The best thing I can do is just keep to myself, shrug off the commentary, and refuse to play any of the silly games that the group engages in, to keep themselves occupied.

They aren't bad people. I just can't help but feel like an outsider though. I'll just accept myself as one, and mind my own business. Talk less, think more.

In other news, I need to decide on re-enlisting or getting out real soon. The deadline is approaching soon and unless I want to be stuck here in Korea for longer than a year, I need to make a choice. I still don't know what I want to do. I've been frozen in the fog for years now with no clue as to what to make of my future. I'm leaning towards reenlistment. Four more years, a steady bonus, a possible chance at Germany again, or even England. Otherwise, I'll just choose Maryland or maybe Florida. I've even been thinking Hawaii. It... isn't a bad place. I just made it terrible with my attitude. I'd like to think I'm changing and having a better outlook at life, but I still need to apply that to action and embrace change.

At least I'm looking up instead of down, finally.

I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.? That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody.? If anybody wanted to tell me something they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me.? They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life.? -Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye; J.D. Salinger

Dear Esther

I have begun my descent into the abyss. Though madness may soon consume me, I will forever keep the nature of sanity at bay. Today marks the third dawn. It is a gray and unnatural morning, for I have yet to awaken from my blissful haze. No doubt the clouds have yet to dissipate from mine eyes as they have up yonder, though I feel less of a man and more of a machine with the passing of each rotation of the sun's dreadful gaze.

I am writing this to you to pass the time that we all hold dear. Time of essence and mortality. It is a twinkling sensation of soul and mind, that we can only fathom with numbers and precise calculations. It is an unimaginable presence, overshadowing our lives like the grim reaper himself, cast before us and biding his time. It will come for us all, as we have come to acknowledge through the lives of others. I cannot say how well prepared I will be for the dawning of the final hour but I feel it lingering like an ever-present cold, gnawing at my bones with every minute past.

Do you remember the bright yellow mornings? The feeling of euphoria as each ray of warm light cleansed your body of all malignant thought and emotion? I'm afraid of those mornings now, for the dark is where I've learned to survive. My spirit yearns for the shadow of the day with torment becoming an eventual transformation into the routine machinations of life. Perhaps in this eternity, I will find peace within the pragmatic walls of my hallowed dreams. Hope will become my trophy of goodwill to those who may mistakenly follow my path, and eventually lead them to their own dismal destination. But I, I fear, have finished my marathon of dreams. I am out of breath.

I can no longer fly with the birds of my flock, and so have been cast to the earth, to crawl amongst the worms. To accept my disgrace is to embrace the degeneration of my being, and I have done so willingly. The sweet sound of the rushing wind has become to me, a howling wail. I no longer have any place within the song of earth. It no longer calls my name, within its patterns of breath. I must hum my own tune now, and create a singularity within the confine of this universe. I will become a black hole, swallowing within me every particle of light that dares present itself to me. I will become a spiteful and ever lingering presence, fearing nothing but my own malignant self. This is what I was, what I am, and what I will be.

The future is now set to bear me, a justice without reprisal, for I am become both past and present.