So the post name is a throwback to the name of a song by the band This Will Destroy You.
Ever since my last post, I've been in touch with someone I hadn't spoken to in years. In fact, we met in WoW like all other amazing friends who I've since lost contact with. I'll go by her character's moniker, Helline. She was probably the first person I actually friended when I first started playing in... 2006? Time flies.
Neither of us were 60 yet, which was the max level at the time. In fact, I believe we were both in our 20's or 30's and guildless. Ending up in the same guild, I got to know Helline and a bit about her. She was from California and playing with her boyfriend at the time. She's always had this energetic kick to her which I enjoyed, so what adventures we had were always loads of fun. Eventually the guild we were in didn't work out so we both joined another one, good ol' Lluchduu Ocheliad which is a pretty lengthy story in itself. Helline didn't play as much as me, which was evident. She had her life and I... well, I didn't have much of one outside of WoW. I was 16, she was 20 I believe. Not a huge disparity minus the fact that I was still in high school and hating it.
I may have become infatuated with her after awhile or just sincerely cared for her friendship since she was honest and a pleasure to be around. Despite my outgoing personality with all of the new friends and companions I made in-game, I was still very much the opposite in the real world. The more of a presence I made for myself in Warcraft, the less of one I had in life. About a year later... maybe even less, she'd stopped playing and I had already become prominent in the raiding scene to the point of transferring servers after "the incident" and starting over in a new guild, which is another story of its own.
That was more than a decade ago now. I may have tried connecting with Helline a few times before I joined the military but it wasn't really successful. After joining, I sent an update about my life to a number of people who I thought may have cared, Helline included. Once more, it wasn't really a success, so to speak. She did reply and I was surprised to hear that she was in Florida, wanting to become a pilot. I recall her moving to Florida for Full Sail, but not much else. She'd always admired Azurio, she said. I've always wondered if she meant myself or the figure I wish I'd been all those many years ago.
After that, things went dark for years. Seven or so. Since then, I'd lost touch with pretty much all the other friends I'd attempted to stay in contact with. I'll talk about them sometime in the future but just to throw some monikers out there... I kept in touch with Mahadra for a long time- we stopped talking almost a year ago or so, Eala too somewhat though that too faded all too soon. Ylli, I lost touch with after sometime and then reconnected... and faded again. There are a few others, but these were the memorable ones that I got to know in person and had email correspondence.
So just recently, while I was working, Helline sent me a new message, wanting to talk. I was hesitant at first- I just didn't know what to say or how to say it. Eventually I did, and we had lengthy interesting talks, catching up in each others lives. She was really interested in wanting to talk again and I was more than happy to have a friend back who I could confide in, we just had so much in common.
And then just recently, it stopped. Over analyzing everything like I usually do, I can't help but wonder if it was something I said or made it appear as if I wanted some kind of relationship. She doesn't live that far and I said we should meet sometime and have an adventure and she was initially interested. I don't know. I know when to stop poking around. I can't help think but wonder if I was just a passing interest that she happened to stumble upon and enjoy for a little bit before moving on. I'd like to think she's better than that but I still know as much about her as she knows about me.
I've said this in the past... I absolutely hate putting myself in this type of vulnerable position where I'm open and honest to a select few only to have those friends disappear without reason. It's like a personal investment that doesn't pay off. Its the same reason I'm such a recluse now, not even able to talk about these types of things to my real friends. All that energy and emotion feels wasted and I feel as if I have less of myself.
Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an alternative. Friends or otherwise.
I'll probably never learn this.
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