Test test- Is this still on?

 Yeah it's still on. Man, what a time capsule. Seems everything has changed except for me. I've been thinking of resuming my own thoughts on here again after all this time. Yeah yeah, another empty promise to myself. That's right Tim, just tell yourself that things will be different this time. You'll return here and write for something. 

 Maybe I just want to write for nothing. I don't have an audience. I don't want an audience. This is for myself. Always has been. Lots of things going on in this head all the time and I keep it locked away- even from myself. The less I think about it, the better things will be. Right? Right?

 At least this time, these thoughts will go somewhere, even if its into this digital desert hellscape that the internet has become. On second thought, this isn't the hellscape. Social media is. These are the old abandoned ruins of a long lost time. Nobody wanders these halls anymore. There's nothing left to loot. Civilization will never flourish here.

 A perfect place to make camp. I'm still deciding. I've thought about moving (ha, moving- as if I was even here long to begin with) to Substack or something a bit more... modern? I don't know what term to use.

We'll see. This was just a test to see if the water is still running. So far just cold water, which is better than nothing. Nothing a nice fire can't heat up.

 I guess I should mention some things to myself for historical marks- I'm going to Japan soon for a few years. What am I going to find there that I haven't found anywhere else? Likely nothing.  I'm not coming back to the states during these years. I have a house that I'm renting, as well as a vehicle. Extra cash and all. Most of my stuff is in storage. Right now, I'm back in Korea again but I'll be done here sooner than I realize. Still just me, as always. Things just haven't worked out in any other way. That's okay, right? 

So let's see if I remember to do this more.  No promises. Just keeping the door open and letting the room get some fresh air. Maybe I'll do some dusting during the next visit.

 

 

There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease

So the post name is a throwback to the name of a song by the band This Will Destroy You.

Ever since my last post, I've been in touch with someone I hadn't spoken to in years.  In fact, we met in WoW like all other amazing friends who I've since lost contact with.  I'll go by her character's moniker, Helline.  She was probably the first person I actually friended when I first started playing in... 2006? Time flies. 

Neither of us were 60 yet, which was the max level at the time.  In fact, I believe we were both in our 20's or 30's and guildless.  Ending up in the same guild, I got to know Helline and a bit about her. She was from California and playing with her boyfriend at the time. She's always had this energetic kick to her which I enjoyed, so what adventures we had were always loads of fun. Eventually the guild we were in didn't work out so we both joined another one, good ol' Lluchduu Ocheliad which is a pretty lengthy story in itself.  Helline didn't play as much as me, which was evident. She had her life and I... well, I didn't have much of one outside of WoW.  I was 16, she was 20 I believe. Not a huge disparity minus the fact that I was still in high school and hating it. 

I may have become infatuated with her after awhile or just sincerely cared for her friendship since she was honest and a pleasure to be around.  Despite my outgoing personality with all of the new friends and companions I made in-game, I was still very much the opposite in the real world.  The more of a presence I made for myself in Warcraft, the less of one I had in life.  About a year later... maybe even less, she'd stopped playing and I had already become prominent in the raiding scene to the point of transferring servers after "the incident" and starting over in a new guild, which is another story of its own.

That was more than a decade ago now.  I may have tried connecting with Helline a few times before I joined the military but it wasn't really successful.  After joining, I sent an update about my life to a number of people who I thought may have cared, Helline included.  Once more, it wasn't really a success, so to speak. She did reply and I was surprised to hear that she was in Florida, wanting to become a pilot.  I recall her moving to Florida for Full Sail, but not much else.  She'd always admired Azurio, she said.  I've always wondered if she meant myself or the figure I wish I'd been all those many years ago.

After that, things went dark for years.  Seven or so.  Since then, I'd lost touch with pretty much all the other friends I'd attempted to stay in contact with.  I'll talk about them sometime in the future but just to throw some monikers out there... I kept in touch with Mahadra for a long time- we stopped talking almost a year ago or so, Eala too somewhat though that too faded all too soon.  Ylli, I lost touch with after sometime and then reconnected... and faded again.  There are a few others, but these were the memorable ones that I got to know in person and had email correspondence.

So just recently, while I was working, Helline sent me a new message, wanting to talk.  I was hesitant at first- I just didn't know what to say or how to say it. Eventually I did, and we had lengthy interesting talks, catching up in each others lives. She was really interested in wanting to talk again and I was more than happy to have a friend back who I could confide in, we just had so much in common.

And then just recently, it stopped. Over analyzing everything like I usually do, I can't help but wonder if it was something I said or made it appear as if I wanted some kind of relationship.  She doesn't live that far and I said we should meet sometime and have an adventure and she was initially interested.  I don't know.  I know when to stop poking around.  I can't help think but wonder if I was just a passing interest that she happened to stumble upon and enjoy for a little bit before moving on.  I'd like to think she's better than that but I still know as much about her as she knows about me.

I've said this in the past... I absolutely hate putting myself in this type of vulnerable position where I'm open and honest to a select few only to have those friends disappear without reason. It's like a personal investment that doesn't pay off.  Its the same reason I'm such a recluse now, not even able to talk about these types of things to my real friends. All that energy and emotion feels wasted and I feel as if I have less of myself.

Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an alternative.  Friends or otherwise.

I'll probably never learn this.

Dis

I suppose I should preface this by mentioning that it's been four years since my last update.  Having read a few of the last entries, I'm sorry to say that little has changed in my life since then to warrant an expansive write-up of accomplishments, experiences, or events.

During my last entry, I was brooding about social interaction that goes beyond my understanding and how it all infuriates me. I'm not good at conversing about things that don't interest me and small-talk is absolutely pointless. For the most part, I really don't care how someone is doing or how they feel about the weather. I don't want them asking me about it either. It's one of those daily rituals that I just need to trudge through with a smile or nod so that I can just be on my way.

I realized the other day that if someone typically asks "how's it going?" and you respond with "not too bad.", there is an automatic assumption from the individual that you're doing just fine.  However, if you replied with "not too good", it's implied that you're doing badly despite the fact that "not too good" should be better than "not too bad" in the wellness scale.  I don't know, I'm reading into this too literally.

Anyhow, I was still in Korea during my last entry- and now I'm in Ohio.  It's been over three years now and during that timeframe, I've deployed to Qatar and Afghanistan.... and that's the highlight of this entire period. Everything else has really been a blur.  The job has muddled with office politics, shit talking, and death by a thousand paper cuts.  There was a huge transition while I was out for 9 months to where our team expanded from basically just myself and a few contractors to more enlisted personnel and a whole other team of contractors.  I won't say that I came back with a gung-ho attitude but the deployment was definitely a great experience for me and it was rough trying to adjust to the snail-pace climate of operations back here in Ohio.  On top of that, I couldn't keep my face buried in the sand anymore since the team was bigger and had to start taking charge and getting involved with the other personnel- especially since I had higher standards now, both in person and in expectation.

I won't say I'm the best at my job but I do have dedication and integrity- something that falls severely short when it comes to the rest of the enlisted team that I work with. There's no point to bitch about it here since I'd rather let these people fade from my memory thanks to their non-accomplishments.  On top of this, it was decided that I would be moving to a new office that worked in 12 hour shifts, about a month after I got a dog.  I've never felt like I had the backing or support of this organization during my time here.  There is a huge disconnect with leadership as well as an acceptance of mediocrity both with the enlisted I worked with and the administration downstairs. 

I ran out of patience shortly before they moved me to the new office/shift when it was decided that this years deployment billet would be given to another unit rather than send one of multiple eligible people, including myself- who volunteered a second time as a last resort option, because I believe that mission comes first.  Their excuse for not picking the other more-than-capable staff sergeant: "He has a family and that would affect his life." 

Last I checked, we're in the military. The majority of people I was deployed with had a family and they were doing just fine. It was a Qatar deployment where EVERYTHING is provided with none of the danger.  However, they didn't want to send this guy despite him being out of the office constantly due to bullshit appointments, "self-improvement" leadership classes, and the fact that he'd rather work on his apartment-leasing business than be at work.

It's not worth talking about the other eligibles (not worth talking about the non-eligibles or any of this for that matter) but the fact that I couldn't even go was just astounding.  I literally said "If you won't pick anyone else, I will go again.  I have the training and the experience to do this with no hesitation."  The response I received was "You recently came back.  We don't want to send you back so soon."

This place is too nice and that is a luxury I don't want. It is a psychological detriment within an environment that needs more structure and order.  If my leadership would rather cuddle me than do what needs to be done, then we have problems.

I don't like what I do, but I have a passion for doing what needs to be done. Maybe I've developed a bit of a workaholic mindset, but I need to move on and transfer this motivation someplace else, so I'm heading back to Korea at the end of the year.  The assignment windows popped a few months ago and after some deliberation, I decided that I would rather do shift work there with the possibility of Germany (again) than be stuck doing the same shift work here.

Besides, Ohio is unremarkable but that's due to the fact that I've become a socially impaired hermit with no close friends, since I apparently don't have the ability to develop outside friendships.  I don't work with anyone that I'd like to hang out with or get to know.  I can't just "go out" and meet new people.  Dating has pretty much been the same story and falls into that never-ending catch-22 of "can't meet new people - won't go out - can't meet or date anyone".  I've tried OKCupid but results haven't been anything worth talking about here.  Not that Korea will be any better- but I'm not going there for the dating scene.

I just don't want to be here anymore, both physically and mentally.  I'm not burnt out... I'm just tired. In fact, I'm more than that- I'm lonely, depressed, and struggling internally.  Just today, I found the proper term for how I've felt for a very long time: Dysthymia.  It's a depression that I just can't rid myself of, and I've been chained to it for years and years.  That's why none of my previous entries seem unfamiliar to me- I've had the same cloudy mindset.

I finally made the choice to go to mental health to talk about it, but at the last second, I decided to lie about not being depressed and solely focus on my inability to concentrate and anxiety issues instead. It took an entire month before I was finally able to see someone, and that person gave me the impression that he doesn't care or empathize.  Not that I expect him to, but in that sort of position, aren't they supposed to fool me into thinking that they do? I don't know- that's just what I expected anyways.  Two sessions so far, both under an hour because who knows, and it's going nowhere.  He wants me to write stuff in a book to deal with the anxiety.  I'm not confident in this but we'll see where things go.  Outlook murky.

Anyways, yes. Dysthymia.  Maybe I'll approach someone about it again later.  So far, my experiences are giving me more reluctance than solutions. 

Plus it's April and it snowed last night. What the shit. 

Veteran's Day

  Today is Veteran's Day.  As I finish working the night shift, I silently walk back to my dorm in the darkness of the morning.  It's raining slightly and I can't help but feel as if this weather fits my mood perfectly.  Checking my facebook, I notice that a large portion of my military associates have changed their profile picture to show them in uniform and I reflect upon my own employment in the military.

I don't have any appreciation for what I do.  I just finished working a twelve hour shift where I did absolutely nothing but watched Game of Thrones and Football on television while bullshitting with anyone else that was there.  This is what my life in the military has come down to, sitting around and doing nothing for half the day while the other half is wasted on sleep.  I can't help but think of what everyone else is doing in their careers and what differences they've made for others and themselves.

I don't like it when people say 'Thanks for serving' or want to shake my hand in the airport when they see me in uniform.  It's been five years and the majority of it feels wasted.  I feel ashamed to be thanked while there are people out there who are dying and sacrificing their lives.  I try not to associate myself with the military when I'm off duty but it's nearly impossible, here in Korea.  I don't like talking about my job.  I have absolutely nothing to brag about. 


While others will be posting pictures of themselves in uniform, I'll be making plans to reenlist for four years.  I didn't know why I joined in the first place.   To make a difference?  To serve?  To be greater than I was?  I'm just as confused now as I was then.  I just want to survive.  I'm done with the whole esprit de corps or brotherhood aspect of the military.  It's never worked for me and I don't need it.  I'm going to dedicate these last years towards a better life for myself.  I will be attending classes and improving my own abilities, not dedicating my life towards a bullshit cause or to support my fellow work center associates.

Everything you see in modern movies about the military is bullshit.  For me, it's become a typical job.  I'll continue to type away at a computer and follow orders, but I've gained nothing for going above and beyond, not even a better understanding of myself, except for the fact that I've been naive and easy going for far too long. 

So thanks to all those who've served for a reason and accomplished something.  Everyone else... well, keep posting those facebook pictures for the attention.  I hate that website more each day.

This Sun is a Star in Someone Else's Sky

   I dreamt about being accepted into a space program and having the chance to explore the stars.  The program had different projects ranging from 10-30 years in space.  No matter which mission I decided to join, I'd be gone a long time.  There were only a few remaining, which had not yet filled up, so I had very little time to decide, lest I'd lose this one and only chance.  I thought about what I would do, instead of taking up this offer.  I thought of what I'd miss out on, if I did decide to embark on this journey.  How many people I would leave behind.  How many memories would fade.  What I would come back to.

   Then I realized that it was space- the final frontier, as Star Trek famously put it.  This was a chance of a lifetime- it would be the ultimate catharsis that I could ever experience.  As I imagined staring out unto Earth, watching it grow smaller and smaller, I would purge myself of all basic self-absorbed pettiness that makes me who I am and become something new.  I'd be reborn in space, no longer bound to the thoughts and rules of a naive and unremarkable civilisation that was truly invisible to the massive and unimaginable realm of space and anything else that could possible inhabit it.

   So I accepted the offer.  A ten-year trip into the stars- a routine mission to study our solar system.  I'm not sure if the habitable conditions would be similar to the Enterprise or the brief shuttle scene at the end of Gattaca.  Anyhow, it didn't matter.  I decided to leave everything and everyone behind.  As I only had a few brief days to say my goodbyes, I recall a tumultous exchange of words and feelings with a number of people, especially my mother.  I didn't know if I could return to a world that I'd still recognize, or who'd still be alive by then.  Ten years.  It seems like such a small number but in my mind, it was unimaginable.  With this in mind, I began to wonder if I should've chosen a longer mission.  Perhaps thirty years would be more comforting to the soul than ten.  It would be easier to return to the Earth as a new man, no longer chained to anything or anyone.  For all I know, there is no difference between ten, twenty, or thirty.  Why not spend my entire life within the stars?  Why limit myself to a number?  In the end, it would not matter.  All that mattered was that I made a decision to leave my life behind, and dedicate myself to a new set of obligations.

   And then I woke up, before I could truly take off into the sky.  I didn't leave anyone, afterall.  Do you ever have dreams that are so remarkable, that when you wake up, you feel a sudden emptiness inside as you realize that none of it was real?  I've had a few of those.  I've had visions of beautiful terror- worldly destruction wrought by nature and man.

    I've seen an atomic bomb explode before my eyes in such vivid detail that when I woke up, I could still recall every precise moment.  I've seen a distant asteroid pierce the sky and slam into the earth, bathing the entire world in a cleansing flame.  And in both dreams, I felt no horrendous terror- simply a peaceful calm.  Only after waking up, do I feel a sort of emptiness inside as if I had suddenly left an entire world behind.

   I've met individuals who I thought I've known forever.  I've been able to connect with them at such a level that upon waking up, I felt immense guilt at losing them, as if I had let them die in another life.  I'm not sure if all of this is symbolic or an attempted interpretration of my consciousness.  Perhaps these rare bursts of emotion are my attempts to experience feelings that I normally won't allow or simply cannot express in daily life.

   It's very difficult for myself to be honest and express myself.  I am socially inept in public and extremely self conscious of my emotions and words.  Because of this, I tend to stumble over what I say as I'm usually attempting to combine multiple sentences or words at once, and it just becomes a social mess.  It's no wonder that I prefer not to talk and therefore remain "down-to-earth", a phrase which I find to be highly ironic.  In my dreams, I don't need to talk in order to properly communicate with my surroundings.  It is a very welcoming change.

So I'll continue dreaming of the days that will not be, for though they are but reverie, they're real enough for me.

And Further

I knew where choice would lead me
And I dared not go astray
To fear the path that followed
Twould haunt me every day
So here I stand in longing
For the things that could not be
I've blundered past my senses
And fled unfaithfully
No more can I catch in my hands
A spark of falling dawn
I've lost all reason in my soul
And now my dream is gone.

Excuse me sir, your face is spewing too much noise...

I'd really like to enjoy my work environment. Granted- it sucks. 12 hours of boring and mindless tediousness isn't fun. However, I find it very difficult to enjoy the presence of the people around me. I'll be the first one to say it- it's me. I suppose I just don't like people anymore in general, because I find it incredibly difficult to converse with them on everyday topics. Everyday topics bore me.

As the incredibly deep quote from Salinger goes, “I'd Pretend I Was One Of Those Deaf-Mutes.". I think I would prefer that, to just not hear anyone or talk to them. I get along with everyone and do my best to never stir any pots or engage in drama, but I feel as if it's middle school all over again with how terrible people talk about each other, whether its jokingly or not.

I admit, I have my vices and sometimes engage in these conversations. As I like to say, "Gossip makes the world go round." I do it without too much thought though, and before I realize it, I've said something incredibly stupid or demeaning. I'd rather not talk at all and just keep to myself, as I had in the past, at my previous base. I'd actually come to work, angry about something or someone, take the farthest computer, and just quietly do my work and brood away without anyone bothering me.

However, I'd rather not make that sort of impression here. I want to get along with everyone and make a good example of myself, but I don't want to fall into this net of petty drama that I see everyday. The best thing I can do is just keep to myself, shrug off the commentary, and refuse to play any of the silly games that the group engages in, to keep themselves occupied.

They aren't bad people. I just can't help but feel like an outsider though. I'll just accept myself as one, and mind my own business. Talk less, think more.

In other news, I need to decide on re-enlisting or getting out real soon. The deadline is approaching soon and unless I want to be stuck here in Korea for longer than a year, I need to make a choice. I still don't know what I want to do. I've been frozen in the fog for years now with no clue as to what to make of my future. I'm leaning towards reenlistment. Four more years, a steady bonus, a possible chance at Germany again, or even England. Otherwise, I'll just choose Maryland or maybe Florida. I've even been thinking Hawaii. It... isn't a bad place. I just made it terrible with my attitude. I'd like to think I'm changing and having a better outlook at life, but I still need to apply that to action and embrace change.

At least I'm looking up instead of down, finally.

I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.? That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody.? If anybody wanted to tell me something they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me.? They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life.? -Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye; J.D. Salinger

Dear Esther

I have begun my descent into the abyss. Though madness may soon consume me, I will forever keep the nature of sanity at bay. Today marks the third dawn. It is a gray and unnatural morning, for I have yet to awaken from my blissful haze. No doubt the clouds have yet to dissipate from mine eyes as they have up yonder, though I feel less of a man and more of a machine with the passing of each rotation of the sun's dreadful gaze.

I am writing this to you to pass the time that we all hold dear. Time of essence and mortality. It is a twinkling sensation of soul and mind, that we can only fathom with numbers and precise calculations. It is an unimaginable presence, overshadowing our lives like the grim reaper himself, cast before us and biding his time. It will come for us all, as we have come to acknowledge through the lives of others. I cannot say how well prepared I will be for the dawning of the final hour but I feel it lingering like an ever-present cold, gnawing at my bones with every minute past.

Do you remember the bright yellow mornings? The feeling of euphoria as each ray of warm light cleansed your body of all malignant thought and emotion? I'm afraid of those mornings now, for the dark is where I've learned to survive. My spirit yearns for the shadow of the day with torment becoming an eventual transformation into the routine machinations of life. Perhaps in this eternity, I will find peace within the pragmatic walls of my hallowed dreams. Hope will become my trophy of goodwill to those who may mistakenly follow my path, and eventually lead them to their own dismal destination. But I, I fear, have finished my marathon of dreams. I am out of breath.

I can no longer fly with the birds of my flock, and so have been cast to the earth, to crawl amongst the worms. To accept my disgrace is to embrace the degeneration of my being, and I have done so willingly. The sweet sound of the rushing wind has become to me, a howling wail. I no longer have any place within the song of earth. It no longer calls my name, within its patterns of breath. I must hum my own tune now, and create a singularity within the confine of this universe. I will become a black hole, swallowing within me every particle of light that dares present itself to me. I will become a spiteful and ever lingering presence, fearing nothing but my own malignant self. This is what I was, what I am, and what I will be.

The future is now set to bear me, a justice without reprisal, for I am become both past and present.

A bit of Light.

I finally got to talk with you, Raine. I really didn't think I would again, but you managed to thwart my expectations, thankfully. I really did miss you. I don't want to take these moments for granted. Lets keep them going, please?

Raine Light. I barely know you and yet... well, lets just say, I'm deeply infatuated. Its silly. I really know it is. But I can't help it. I wish I could see you. Someday? Lets hope so.

In other news, Dan is coming to Hawaii today. I'm picking him up from the airport in an hour and we're going straight to Pho. Then we're just going to chill until the evening. I have to go to sleep early due to work tomorrow. But I also need to finish writing this letter to my penpal Jessica. She wrote me one already and I've been procrastinating so hopefully I can send it off by tomorrow- wait I need to buy stamps! Crap. The day after then.

It's been a slippery downward slope but one person manages to change that feeling. I just hope it keeps on.

Deep Breath

Finally feeling better. Found two pen pals that I hope to correspond with, via Reddit. Tomorrow, I'll start drafting my letters. This could be a really good thing. Don't screw it up, Tim.