A Conundrum of Conceptuous Continuity

Right so, ‘conceptuous’ isn’t an actual word but to hell with rules. I’m feeling strangely relaxed today. Nevermind the 5 AM GI Party or standing outside in the rain- I’m feeling pretty good about myself today. I’m a bit tired sure, but I feel less strained. I don’t think it has to do with class but simply something inside me. I’d like to think that getting a massage last night opened up my mind somehow but it may just be more then that.

After I bought the tea stuff from that one store last night, I actually debated on going back and getting a tarot reading. I’ve never believed in that stuff and I doubt I do now but it’s a curious work, these tellers do and I’d like to believe theres good things ahead.

So I’ve actually thought of doing some more writing recently. I’ve had some good ideas emerge for Jacob’s Ladder- just some basic concepts. I know I should try focusing on simply one story at a time but that’s not me. I need to expand. I was particularly pleased about Dark Partings, even though I realize its nowhere near its finalized version. I know I can do better. And someday I will. I just have to keep going until I reach the point of satisfaction that I want for that story.

Man, I’ve been playing less Warcraft recently. Good thing? Maybe. I’ve been raiding on the main days but I actually decided to miss a raiding day and go out to town for once. I know, it’s a total “woah” moment. I don’t really regret it either. The days I do play, I don’t stay on for long unless something is up. People tend to keep to themselves and I don’t find much fun in the game anymore outside of guild matters.

Am I slowly slipping away from that environment? I don’t know. A part of me wants to. I’ve made some good friends and I’ve been coming back to Cenarion Circle and even starting leveling a paladin, simply for fun, boredom, and to hang out with friends. Maybe roleplay.

I’ve always wanted to write about why I left Cenarion Circle and express my greatest feats and experiences on that server. I still feel as if I left behind a legacy and while I tend to find it hard to believe, I’m not forgotten. People still talk about me, whether as in the person or the character. Even though I don’t like to admit it, I know I made some people unhappy but that’s the thing. I couldn’t appease everyone. It was all about them and never about me. And when I finally decided to be selfish for once, everything collapsed because apparently relying on one person was how a guild should’ve been. I disagree.

So I suppose my next post will be about my experiences in Warcraft. As geeky as it can be, it was quite the adventure with much good (and bad) things worth remembering.

Oh right. So I went to speak SSGT Boles about reclassing and got the sheet to list my top 6 jobs. Right now, this is what I have picked:
1- Network Intelligence Analysis
2- Aerial Gunner
3- Communications-Computer Systems Operations
4- Command Post
5- Imagery Analysis
6- Mental Health Service

A good site for job descriptions can be found at: www.usmilitary.about.com

I should be out of class in about a week or so. How long till my next station? I don't know. I still feel a bit disappointed in all of this but I also feel slightly excited for the opportunity to do something that I know I have alot more interest in. We shall see, eh?

Cake, Joy, and the Stomach Ache After.

As a kid, I used to have a lot of fun by myself. I would leave the house right after school and hop on the bike, riding around town, going to the park, running in the forests or the nearby pipe factory. And even though I lived within the limits of reality, I was never happy with just that. I'd let imagination take hold of me.

I would become the commander of a powerful rebel army, fighting against the suppressing forces led by my darker brother. I would have a vast armory of weapons, ranging from wooden staves to the rare iron, powerful- and heavier- swords that could cut through a tree monster's arm with little effort.

I'd set up bases, hide caches of weapons, and live a life in this forest until the sun went down. I'd come home dirty, tired and ready for the next day.

And every day, I would wait for that portal to appear in the circle of stones that I constructed in the very back of the forest. Yes, the Ultima game series really did influence me to the point where I believed in other worlds to the point where I was ready to abandon all in order to leap through any moongate, not caring what lay on the other side.

I still feel that kid inside me, lying dormant- waiting for the day when I can go out into the wilds again and enjoy myself. But life isn't like that anymore. Work, duties, and what little free time I have- I use inside the confines of my room or in the midst of company. Theres no more time for imaginary war. The commander has retired his status indefinitely. Its time to move on to bigger things.

And so I've moved on, and continue moving forward on the path that I cobble as I slowly move from stone to stone. Some stones don't fit and I have to throw them away. Others would fit perfectly but I manage to miss them, intentionally or not. So I've holes in my road that I haven't filled. And now I think I've stopped filling in an entire section of the road, hopping over it for reasons unfortunate.

I signed my disenrollement papers for class today. I managed to go through the first semester before withdrawing from the Pashto department. It isn't something I can handle- waking up each morning with a dreadful fatigue that needs to be satisfied through positive thinking and energy drinks.

I don't like it- I'm not comfortable. I'm not happy, nor can I realistically think with positive candor. This isn't what I wanted. I'm to blame for failing to unleash personal potential, but what potential am I willing to release when my whole entire aspiration for joining the Air Force died away when I got a language I didn't want? I joined for one reason alone and felt spit on.

I have no heart for this language. I haven't given up but I refuse to accept the language. I don't care about the extra money. I don't care about the position it would give me. It is not for me. Am I not pushing myself hard enough? Am I pushing at all? Am I to blame for my apathy?

As days go by, I waste my evenings and weekends alone, no interest whatsoever in seeing the outside world. My interests fade away as does my own creativity due to the sacrifice I've been forced to make in class. And yet as I sign those papers, my sense of dread is suddenly lifted and a feeling of slight relief appears in place. I feel guilty and defeated yes, but I also feel lighter.

Where will I go next? Will I get re-classed? Will I get another job? I don't know- and that is what terrifies me. Not the unknown, but the change itself.

I'm still waiting for that portal to appear, ready for me to leap through it without question- into the unknown.

Weekends - Come and Gone.

Days fly like the wind outside of class. Like burning embers above a flame, they are quick to fade away before the consuming fire.

So I'm told on Friday that we have a morning formation at 6 in full service uniforms. So that means I have to wake up at 5, take a shower, get dressed, and be out between the wings by 5:45 in the cold. It really wasn't that cold out but my feet were freezing. And for those that don't know what full service uniforms are, its our dress uniform- you know, the blues with the flight caps and all.

So yeah. The entire squadron had to come to this because four idiot airmen got UEDs and DUIs. Not only did they drive while drunk but they were going to get more beer and got into an accident on a one way street. I'll let you guess which way they were driving. The best part was- they were all underage. Can't wait to see the blogger about this one so I can see if they're kicked out or not. Oh yeah. Four other airmen were tested positive for drugs. Idiots.

After wasting two hours outside though, we were dismissed and I decided to join a bunch of other people for some breakfast. The eight of us went to Denny's. So I got a spicy chicken sandwich for breakfast. Not the best of things honestly.

After that, I tried to fix someone's computer but decided to take a nap after about an hour. So then I wasted half the day because I overslept my desired amount. After I woke up, I had a nasty headache which led my back to bed. So the entire day was wasted pointlessly.

And the next day was just like the last. Plenty of sleep and little stuff done. I couldn't even write or work on anything interesting. Hell, I couldn't even play WoW. The day was that piss poor for some reason. So the entire weekend flew by.

And now, its another week of class. Today's morning was horrible. I felt as if I didn't understand anything from the lessons- well thats because we didn't go over any of the vocabulary or whatnot. But lunch rolled along and I got a moments peace by myself before a few more classmates came in and ruined the blissful silence of the room. I got a small letter from Becca through Facebook which improved the mood. Hope all is well with her.

So I need to be honest. I don't like most of my classmates. There are nine of us in all. One Air Force officer, one Navy petty officer, a marine, and the rest of us are enlisted Air Force. Two of them, I like. One, I can tolerate. The other two, I just can't stand. Robertson is a great guy and extremely funny. Tyler acts grown up and like an adult. However Johnson and Friday are incredibly annoying. Friday is a complete scumbag who ironically is pretty smart but seems to have no moral value. Johnson just acts like some kid who belongs in middle school.

The rest are a good bunch. I can work with them with no problem, even if the petty officer gets a bit overzealous at times. But I can't handle working with Johnson or Friday. Johnson just acts retardedly stupid and Friday.. arg. I would just keep going with things to say about him but I'd rather not. Ever since Medina, I've had to put up with him and his attitude.

I'm not saying I'm not perfect but I respect people. He doesn't. He talks back to the petty officer, swears in front of the Major and doesn't bother ironing his uniform. He hasn't done anything to it in months. Hell, he doesn't even bother getting stripes on it, even though he was promoted at the same time I was.

And the worst part is, I sit next to him and constantly need to work with him. And I hate it because he understands the lessons more then I do so I constantly screw up and instead of helping, he usually resorts to berating me with insults. Still.. to hell with him. I hope he gets what he deserves. It will come soon enough.

So right now, lunch is done and I've three more hours of class before heading off to PT. Afterwords, I need to do something like write. I have to push myself. I can't waste away my life while I'm here. As hopeless as I sometimes feel when it comes to this language, I need to keep going or else I'll dig a pit so deep, I won't be able to climb out.