A bit of Light.

I finally got to talk with you, Raine. I really didn't think I would again, but you managed to thwart my expectations, thankfully. I really did miss you. I don't want to take these moments for granted. Lets keep them going, please?

Raine Light. I barely know you and yet... well, lets just say, I'm deeply infatuated. Its silly. I really know it is. But I can't help it. I wish I could see you. Someday? Lets hope so.

In other news, Dan is coming to Hawaii today. I'm picking him up from the airport in an hour and we're going straight to Pho. Then we're just going to chill until the evening. I have to go to sleep early due to work tomorrow. But I also need to finish writing this letter to my penpal Jessica. She wrote me one already and I've been procrastinating so hopefully I can send it off by tomorrow- wait I need to buy stamps! Crap. The day after then.

It's been a slippery downward slope but one person manages to change that feeling. I just hope it keeps on.

Deep Breath

Finally feeling better. Found two pen pals that I hope to correspond with, via Reddit. Tomorrow, I'll start drafting my letters. This could be a really good thing. Don't screw it up, Tim.

Deep is the Hole Which I have Dug

E5 test results were released tonight. I didn't make it. This is the second time now that I've failed them. I've watched friends and rivals make it on their first try last year. I've watched friends and rivals make it this year. I, with all my dreams and aspirations, trail behind while they move on ahead with their careers and lives. I, who promised to achieve a personal glory am now the individual who does not progress. I've become my own antithesis.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to someone- I need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen, and care, and respond back with sincere faith. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't have anyone who can be my shield, and its making me weaker with each passing day. I'm surviving on held-back emotions that haven't spilled over the edge yet. I just want to scream and hurt the world around me, including myself. As quoted from Fight Club, I just want to destroy something beautiful. I think I have already. I've destroyed myself. I don't recognize myself anymore- this creature of chaos that I've become.

What happened? When did this change occur? Is it too late to change back into the youth that I was? I'm trying to, desperately. I keep covering myself with material wealth, hoping that it'll do the trick, but the illusion of comfort is momentary and fades so quickly. It just doesn't work.

I am akward. I am lazy. I am obese. I am depressed. I am in pain. I am afraid. I am angry. I have no self control. I am weak. I am not self-confident. I am apathetic. I am a procrastinator. I am mean. I am elusive. I am fake. I cannot achieve simple quick goals that I have made for myself. I give up too easily. I trust too easily or not enough. I give in too quickly. I am prone to addictions. I do not listen to my body. I cannot study. I cannot focus. I want to quit my job. I want to run away. I want to break contact with everyone I know.

I am ashamed of myself.

These are my vices. These are my flaws. I don't know how to fix them. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but I can't find my way alone. I'm just simply helpless right now.

I'm going to bed. I need to work in the morning. The days are getting grayer. And so am I. But I'll keep going. Despite all my flaws and weaknesses, I know I have one strength. Persistence. Or just plain old stubbornness. I'll keep going as far as I can go. I'm confident in that much at least.