A bit of Light.

I finally got to talk with you, Raine. I really didn't think I would again, but you managed to thwart my expectations, thankfully. I really did miss you. I don't want to take these moments for granted. Lets keep them going, please?

Raine Light. I barely know you and yet... well, lets just say, I'm deeply infatuated. Its silly. I really know it is. But I can't help it. I wish I could see you. Someday? Lets hope so.

In other news, Dan is coming to Hawaii today. I'm picking him up from the airport in an hour and we're going straight to Pho. Then we're just going to chill until the evening. I have to go to sleep early due to work tomorrow. But I also need to finish writing this letter to my penpal Jessica. She wrote me one already and I've been procrastinating so hopefully I can send it off by tomorrow- wait I need to buy stamps! Crap. The day after then.

It's been a slippery downward slope but one person manages to change that feeling. I just hope it keeps on.

Deep Breath

Finally feeling better. Found two pen pals that I hope to correspond with, via Reddit. Tomorrow, I'll start drafting my letters. This could be a really good thing. Don't screw it up, Tim.

Deep is the Hole Which I have Dug

E5 test results were released tonight. I didn't make it. This is the second time now that I've failed them. I've watched friends and rivals make it on their first try last year. I've watched friends and rivals make it this year. I, with all my dreams and aspirations, trail behind while they move on ahead with their careers and lives. I, who promised to achieve a personal glory am now the individual who does not progress. I've become my own antithesis.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to someone- I need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen, and care, and respond back with sincere faith. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't have anyone who can be my shield, and its making me weaker with each passing day. I'm surviving on held-back emotions that haven't spilled over the edge yet. I just want to scream and hurt the world around me, including myself. As quoted from Fight Club, I just want to destroy something beautiful. I think I have already. I've destroyed myself. I don't recognize myself anymore- this creature of chaos that I've become.

What happened? When did this change occur? Is it too late to change back into the youth that I was? I'm trying to, desperately. I keep covering myself with material wealth, hoping that it'll do the trick, but the illusion of comfort is momentary and fades so quickly. It just doesn't work.

I am akward. I am lazy. I am obese. I am depressed. I am in pain. I am afraid. I am angry. I have no self control. I am weak. I am not self-confident. I am apathetic. I am a procrastinator. I am mean. I am elusive. I am fake. I cannot achieve simple quick goals that I have made for myself. I give up too easily. I trust too easily or not enough. I give in too quickly. I am prone to addictions. I do not listen to my body. I cannot study. I cannot focus. I want to quit my job. I want to run away. I want to break contact with everyone I know.

I am ashamed of myself.

These are my vices. These are my flaws. I don't know how to fix them. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but I can't find my way alone. I'm just simply helpless right now.

I'm going to bed. I need to work in the morning. The days are getting grayer. And so am I. But I'll keep going. Despite all my flaws and weaknesses, I know I have one strength. Persistence. Or just plain old stubbornness. I'll keep going as far as I can go. I'm confident in that much at least.

In the End

I really cannot stand this place sometimes. This island has sucked away so much life from me- I can barely recognize myself from the person I once was. I'm barely ever happy anymore. I have to force a smile on my face when confronting anyone. I try to be a joker and most of the time, I slip into a sardonic mood without realizing it. Although I'm looking for company, I cannot stand the people I am with sometimes. I want to be alone afterwords- to sleep away the days and exist only within my dreams.

And yet I wake up and continue my life, filled with false faces and sarcastic smiles. The amount of lies that I emanate is astounding and yet in the end, I manage to fool myself by becoming this person who I am not. I've become content to simply lay dormant in the dark, alone and full of the same repeating thoughts that refuse to disappear. Its a torment, to count down each individual day until it's time to move on and never turn back around.

I get these urges to just run away to a place where I know absolutely no one and simply start all over. I keep hoping that I'll change; that maybe I can get things right this time around and nobody will know. I want to leave my past behind- perhaps abandon it entirely. Of course, I cannot do that. Here's hoping that Korea will be a good change of both scenery and character.

Tomorrow will just be another say. Same as the last. Same as the next.

More than a year.

With my last promise of updating this infernal page, I've managed to disappear for quite some time. Though I haven't quite delved into the unknown and returned with a miraculous conscience full of epiphanies, I'm back. Again.

With another promise to myself of course. I need to write. Since my last update, I've barely written anything. I've scribbled down ideas and made changes to previous thoughts but I haven't written anything concrete. I've been trickling down a muddy path and breaking apart with each passing day. As a day dreamer, I'm constantly thinking fantastic things; but what exactly are they worth if I don't write them down? They're empty thoughts. Unsharable.

I have more goals now. I'm working on some, and I need to get more. If I can accomplish at least one of these goals, I'll be able to succeed at the rest. I have more time for this sort of thing now- the only thing standing in the way is myself. I am my greatest enemy. That voice that surrounds me in apathy and procrastination is a danger to my mind, but I cannot accept its call.

I will change. I must. For starters, I will write more. Get into a basic process of completing a story line. And then share that story. Find work shops and people who will read and listen. Maybe a scanner so I can save these things and upload them here.

We'll see.