Dis

I suppose I should preface this by mentioning that it's been four years since my last update.  Having read a few of the last entries, I'm sorry to say that little has changed in my life since then to warrant an expansive write-up of accomplishments, experiences, or events.

During my last entry, I was brooding about social interaction that goes beyond my understanding and how it all infuriates me. I'm not good at conversing about things that don't interest me and small-talk is absolutely pointless. For the most part, I really don't care how someone is doing or how they feel about the weather. I don't want them asking me about it either. It's one of those daily rituals that I just need to trudge through with a smile or nod so that I can just be on my way.

I realized the other day that if someone typically asks "how's it going?" and you respond with "not too bad.", there is an automatic assumption from the individual that you're doing just fine.  However, if you replied with "not too good", it's implied that you're doing badly despite the fact that "not too good" should be better than "not too bad" in the wellness scale.  I don't know, I'm reading into this too literally.

Anyhow, I was still in Korea during my last entry- and now I'm in Ohio.  It's been over three years now and during that timeframe, I've deployed to Qatar and Afghanistan.... and that's the highlight of this entire period. Everything else has really been a blur.  The job has muddled with office politics, shit talking, and death by a thousand paper cuts.  There was a huge transition while I was out for 9 months to where our team expanded from basically just myself and a few contractors to more enlisted personnel and a whole other team of contractors.  I won't say that I came back with a gung-ho attitude but the deployment was definitely a great experience for me and it was rough trying to adjust to the snail-pace climate of operations back here in Ohio.  On top of that, I couldn't keep my face buried in the sand anymore since the team was bigger and had to start taking charge and getting involved with the other personnel- especially since I had higher standards now, both in person and in expectation.

I won't say I'm the best at my job but I do have dedication and integrity- something that falls severely short when it comes to the rest of the enlisted team that I work with. There's no point to bitch about it here since I'd rather let these people fade from my memory thanks to their non-accomplishments.  On top of this, it was decided that I would be moving to a new office that worked in 12 hour shifts, about a month after I got a dog.  I've never felt like I had the backing or support of this organization during my time here.  There is a huge disconnect with leadership as well as an acceptance of mediocrity both with the enlisted I worked with and the administration downstairs. 

I ran out of patience shortly before they moved me to the new office/shift when it was decided that this years deployment billet would be given to another unit rather than send one of multiple eligible people, including myself- who volunteered a second time as a last resort option, because I believe that mission comes first.  Their excuse for not picking the other more-than-capable staff sergeant: "He has a family and that would affect his life." 

Last I checked, we're in the military. The majority of people I was deployed with had a family and they were doing just fine. It was a Qatar deployment where EVERYTHING is provided with none of the danger.  However, they didn't want to send this guy despite him being out of the office constantly due to bullshit appointments, "self-improvement" leadership classes, and the fact that he'd rather work on his apartment-leasing business than be at work.

It's not worth talking about the other eligibles (not worth talking about the non-eligibles or any of this for that matter) but the fact that I couldn't even go was just astounding.  I literally said "If you won't pick anyone else, I will go again.  I have the training and the experience to do this with no hesitation."  The response I received was "You recently came back.  We don't want to send you back so soon."

This place is too nice and that is a luxury I don't want. It is a psychological detriment within an environment that needs more structure and order.  If my leadership would rather cuddle me than do what needs to be done, then we have problems.

I don't like what I do, but I have a passion for doing what needs to be done. Maybe I've developed a bit of a workaholic mindset, but I need to move on and transfer this motivation someplace else, so I'm heading back to Korea at the end of the year.  The assignment windows popped a few months ago and after some deliberation, I decided that I would rather do shift work there with the possibility of Germany (again) than be stuck doing the same shift work here.

Besides, Ohio is unremarkable but that's due to the fact that I've become a socially impaired hermit with no close friends, since I apparently don't have the ability to develop outside friendships.  I don't work with anyone that I'd like to hang out with or get to know.  I can't just "go out" and meet new people.  Dating has pretty much been the same story and falls into that never-ending catch-22 of "can't meet new people - won't go out - can't meet or date anyone".  I've tried OKCupid but results haven't been anything worth talking about here.  Not that Korea will be any better- but I'm not going there for the dating scene.

I just don't want to be here anymore, both physically and mentally.  I'm not burnt out... I'm just tired. In fact, I'm more than that- I'm lonely, depressed, and struggling internally.  Just today, I found the proper term for how I've felt for a very long time: Dysthymia.  It's a depression that I just can't rid myself of, and I've been chained to it for years and years.  That's why none of my previous entries seem unfamiliar to me- I've had the same cloudy mindset.

I finally made the choice to go to mental health to talk about it, but at the last second, I decided to lie about not being depressed and solely focus on my inability to concentrate and anxiety issues instead. It took an entire month before I was finally able to see someone, and that person gave me the impression that he doesn't care or empathize.  Not that I expect him to, but in that sort of position, aren't they supposed to fool me into thinking that they do? I don't know- that's just what I expected anyways.  Two sessions so far, both under an hour because who knows, and it's going nowhere.  He wants me to write stuff in a book to deal with the anxiety.  I'm not confident in this but we'll see where things go.  Outlook murky.

Anyways, yes. Dysthymia.  Maybe I'll approach someone about it again later.  So far, my experiences are giving me more reluctance than solutions. 

Plus it's April and it snowed last night. What the shit.