E5 test results were released tonight. I didn't make it. This is the second time now that I've failed them. I've watched friends and rivals make it on their first try last year. I've watched friends and rivals make it this year. I, with all my dreams and aspirations, trail behind while they move on ahead with their careers and lives. I, who promised to achieve a personal glory am now the individual who does not progress. I've become my own antithesis.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to someone- I need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen, and care, and respond back with sincere faith. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't have anyone who can be my shield, and its making me weaker with each passing day. I'm surviving on held-back emotions that haven't spilled over the edge yet. I just want to scream and hurt the world around me, including myself. As quoted from Fight Club, I just want to destroy something beautiful. I think I have already. I've destroyed myself. I don't recognize myself anymore- this creature of chaos that I've become.
What happened? When did this change occur? Is it too late to change back into the youth that I was? I'm trying to, desperately. I keep covering myself with material wealth, hoping that it'll do the trick, but the illusion of comfort is momentary and fades so quickly. It just doesn't work.
I am akward. I am lazy. I am obese. I am depressed. I am in pain. I am afraid. I am angry. I have no self control. I am weak. I am not self-confident. I am apathetic. I am a procrastinator. I am mean. I am elusive. I am fake. I cannot achieve simple quick goals that I have made for myself. I give up too easily. I trust too easily or not enough. I give in too quickly. I am prone to addictions. I do not listen to my body. I cannot study. I cannot focus. I want to quit my job. I want to run away. I want to break contact with everyone I know.
I am ashamed of myself.
These are my vices. These are my flaws. I don't know how to fix them. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but I can't find my way alone. I'm just simply helpless right now.
I'm going to bed. I need to work in the morning. The days are getting grayer. And so am I. But I'll keep going. Despite all my flaws and weaknesses, I know I have one strength. Persistence. Or just plain old stubbornness. I'll keep going as far as I can go. I'm confident in that much at least.
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2 comments:
I think that you are a step ahead of most. You see the things you want to change but seem so overwhelmed. Defeated before you try or things just don't seem to stick when you do try to change. I would say go over your list of inadequacies. Ask if you really buy into each one or if they come from an external source. Question whether you really believe it. Then pick one thing, the thing that could be the easiest goal or a goal you could have a friend help you with. Fitness is a big issue for me personally so now I have signed up for 5 weeks/5 days a week with my roommate-set schedule and accountability is what I really need.
Hope that makes some sense. You should do a list of your strengths, then maybe you can see how to use those attributes to help you with your shortcomings?
And on a personal and less, "so here's what you can do" note, Tim, you got that persistence for sure but I know you have a lot more in you. Trust in yourself and try to approach it as you can take it. And if I can be a help I will definitely be here for you. My own thing that Im going through has shown me that I cant take my friends for granted so lets be better friends. Seems like we are experiencing a lot of the same feelings. Oh and here's some typical guy advice for you, go on a date with a hot chick, that will make you feel better :)
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