E5 test results were released tonight. I didn't make it. This is the second time now that I've failed them. I've watched friends and rivals make it on their first try last year. I've watched friends and rivals make it this year. I, with all my dreams and aspirations, trail behind while they move on ahead with their careers and lives. I, who promised to achieve a personal glory am now the individual who does not progress. I've become my own antithesis.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to someone- I need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen, and care, and respond back with sincere faith. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't have anyone who can be my shield, and its making me weaker with each passing day. I'm surviving on held-back emotions that haven't spilled over the edge yet. I just want to scream and hurt the world around me, including myself. As quoted from Fight Club, I just want to destroy something beautiful. I think I have already. I've destroyed myself. I don't recognize myself anymore- this creature of chaos that I've become.
What happened? When did this change occur? Is it too late to change back into the youth that I was? I'm trying to, desperately. I keep covering myself with material wealth, hoping that it'll do the trick, but the illusion of comfort is momentary and fades so quickly. It just doesn't work.
I am akward. I am lazy. I am obese. I am depressed. I am in pain. I am afraid. I am angry. I have no self control. I am weak. I am not self-confident. I am apathetic. I am a procrastinator. I am mean. I am elusive. I am fake. I cannot achieve simple quick goals that I have made for myself. I give up too easily. I trust too easily or not enough. I give in too quickly. I am prone to addictions. I do not listen to my body. I cannot study. I cannot focus. I want to quit my job. I want to run away. I want to break contact with everyone I know.
I am ashamed of myself.
These are my vices. These are my flaws. I don't know how to fix them. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but I can't find my way alone. I'm just simply helpless right now.
I'm going to bed. I need to work in the morning. The days are getting grayer. And so am I. But I'll keep going. Despite all my flaws and weaknesses, I know I have one strength. Persistence. Or just plain old stubbornness. I'll keep going as far as I can go. I'm confident in that much at least.
04 August 2011
02 July 2011
In the End
I really cannot stand this place sometimes. This island has sucked away so much life from me- I can barely recognize myself from the person I once was. I'm barely ever happy anymore. I have to force a smile on my face when confronting anyone. I try to be a joker and most of the time, I slip into a sardonic mood without realizing it. Although I'm looking for company, I cannot stand the people I am with sometimes. I want to be alone afterwords- to sleep away the days and exist only within my dreams.
And yet I wake up and continue my life, filled with false faces and sarcastic smiles. The amount of lies that I emanate is astounding and yet in the end, I manage to fool myself by becoming this person who I am not. I've become content to simply lay dormant in the dark, alone and full of the same repeating thoughts that refuse to disappear. Its a torment, to count down each individual day until it's time to move on and never turn back around.
I get these urges to just run away to a place where I know absolutely no one and simply start all over. I keep hoping that I'll change; that maybe I can get things right this time around and nobody will know. I want to leave my past behind- perhaps abandon it entirely. Of course, I cannot do that. Here's hoping that Korea will be a good change of both scenery and character.
Tomorrow will just be another say. Same as the last. Same as the next.
And yet I wake up and continue my life, filled with false faces and sarcastic smiles. The amount of lies that I emanate is astounding and yet in the end, I manage to fool myself by becoming this person who I am not. I've become content to simply lay dormant in the dark, alone and full of the same repeating thoughts that refuse to disappear. Its a torment, to count down each individual day until it's time to move on and never turn back around.
I get these urges to just run away to a place where I know absolutely no one and simply start all over. I keep hoping that I'll change; that maybe I can get things right this time around and nobody will know. I want to leave my past behind- perhaps abandon it entirely. Of course, I cannot do that. Here's hoping that Korea will be a good change of both scenery and character.
Tomorrow will just be another say. Same as the last. Same as the next.
02 April 2011
More than a year.
With my last promise of updating this infernal page, I've managed to disappear for quite some time. Though I haven't quite delved into the unknown and returned with a miraculous conscience full of epiphanies, I'm back. Again.
With another promise to myself of course. I need to write. Since my last update, I've barely written anything. I've scribbled down ideas and made changes to previous thoughts but I haven't written anything concrete. I've been trickling down a muddy path and breaking apart with each passing day. As a day dreamer, I'm constantly thinking fantastic things; but what exactly are they worth if I don't write them down? They're empty thoughts. Unsharable.
I have more goals now. I'm working on some, and I need to get more. If I can accomplish at least one of these goals, I'll be able to succeed at the rest. I have more time for this sort of thing now- the only thing standing in the way is myself. I am my greatest enemy. That voice that surrounds me in apathy and procrastination is a danger to my mind, but I cannot accept its call.
I will change. I must. For starters, I will write more. Get into a basic process of completing a story line. And then share that story. Find work shops and people who will read and listen. Maybe a scanner so I can save these things and upload them here.
We'll see.
With another promise to myself of course. I need to write. Since my last update, I've barely written anything. I've scribbled down ideas and made changes to previous thoughts but I haven't written anything concrete. I've been trickling down a muddy path and breaking apart with each passing day. As a day dreamer, I'm constantly thinking fantastic things; but what exactly are they worth if I don't write them down? They're empty thoughts. Unsharable.
I have more goals now. I'm working on some, and I need to get more. If I can accomplish at least one of these goals, I'll be able to succeed at the rest. I have more time for this sort of thing now- the only thing standing in the way is myself. I am my greatest enemy. That voice that surrounds me in apathy and procrastination is a danger to my mind, but I cannot accept its call.
I will change. I must. For starters, I will write more. Get into a basic process of completing a story line. And then share that story. Find work shops and people who will read and listen. Maybe a scanner so I can save these things and upload them here.
We'll see.
27 February 2010
Presence
I've made it a goal to place more effort into writing out my thoughts, and since I haven't been here in awhile, I really need to give this pile of bones some presence.
I really don't want to write anything right now, so I won't. But I will very soon. I just have to be fresh and not tired.
Till then.
I really don't want to write anything right now, so I won't. But I will very soon. I just have to be fresh and not tired.
Till then.
15 August 2009
A World in Flames
I cannot help but keep up with the events of the world but every moment that I do, I simply lose more and more faith in this country, this world, and the very fabrics of humanity.
Society is a disease, rotting more and more while spreading to other societies, fighting each other and trying to prove its' dominance in faith and power. How much further shall we plummet as a race until our dismal existence no longer is? How many more lives must we, as a race, take to satisfy our unquenchable thirst for the right of way to the very sentience of life- whether in thought, faith, or action?
I had a simple thought. A quiet thought. I remembered many years ago, how children like myself were carefree and adventurous. I remembered schools with happy teachers, open doors, and a thought to learn and have fun. As years trickled past, the schools became prisons. Teachers became wardens and education became a punishment. The schools now require a security for their children- either with metal detectors or locked doors. The teachers suffer the constant demands of the board while having to endure the constant complaining of the ignorant parents who cannot teach even the most basic of ethics to their child.
For our so-called evolutionary advancement, we as a race, have degenerated into miscreants. I cannot help but wonder where our society has gone. Our president is hated before he is given a chance. Our leaders are blamed by newscasters who spread more bias then truth. These so called "journalists" who are paid to enlighten us instead warp our minds towards their opinions, blaming everyone but themselves for the troubles around.
Should we agree with them, and nod while they speak of demanding liberty and how they understand the common people? Of course we should. There is no reason to realize how different our paychecks are, or how much their careers rely on the brainwashed common people that they attempt to convince.
It will only become worse with each passing year. People will continue blaming others for racial profiling. People will continue killing each other for faith. People will continue spreading their views and lies, aiming directly at their ignorant armies who take their word without a second thought.
Where will the future be then? How will our generation survive the oncoming hopelessness of the next? As I watch parents feed anti-depressants to their children while giving them cell phones with GPS trackers to keep constant watch on them, I wonder what they truly know. What life will that child have, to not know morality or the fundamentals of a childhood. To be forced to stay within their prison walls, following their fearful parent's worries about child molestors and kidnappers.
As I worry for the future, I become more and more distant with the present. I try to no longer associate with the past. I want to run. Run far away and never return. But I can't.
I'm trapped.
Society is a disease, rotting more and more while spreading to other societies, fighting each other and trying to prove its' dominance in faith and power. How much further shall we plummet as a race until our dismal existence no longer is? How many more lives must we, as a race, take to satisfy our unquenchable thirst for the right of way to the very sentience of life- whether in thought, faith, or action?
I had a simple thought. A quiet thought. I remembered many years ago, how children like myself were carefree and adventurous. I remembered schools with happy teachers, open doors, and a thought to learn and have fun. As years trickled past, the schools became prisons. Teachers became wardens and education became a punishment. The schools now require a security for their children- either with metal detectors or locked doors. The teachers suffer the constant demands of the board while having to endure the constant complaining of the ignorant parents who cannot teach even the most basic of ethics to their child.
For our so-called evolutionary advancement, we as a race, have degenerated into miscreants. I cannot help but wonder where our society has gone. Our president is hated before he is given a chance. Our leaders are blamed by newscasters who spread more bias then truth. These so called "journalists" who are paid to enlighten us instead warp our minds towards their opinions, blaming everyone but themselves for the troubles around.
Should we agree with them, and nod while they speak of demanding liberty and how they understand the common people? Of course we should. There is no reason to realize how different our paychecks are, or how much their careers rely on the brainwashed common people that they attempt to convince.
It will only become worse with each passing year. People will continue blaming others for racial profiling. People will continue killing each other for faith. People will continue spreading their views and lies, aiming directly at their ignorant armies who take their word without a second thought.
Where will the future be then? How will our generation survive the oncoming hopelessness of the next? As I watch parents feed anti-depressants to their children while giving them cell phones with GPS trackers to keep constant watch on them, I wonder what they truly know. What life will that child have, to not know morality or the fundamentals of a childhood. To be forced to stay within their prison walls, following their fearful parent's worries about child molestors and kidnappers.
As I worry for the future, I become more and more distant with the present. I try to no longer associate with the past. I want to run. Run far away and never return. But I can't.
I'm trapped.
30 October 2008
Checkmate
Unappreciated.
Used.
I am simply a pawn on a chessmaster's board, forced to obey the rules of the game while others are free to move as they please. They don't see me. They don't know me. I simply stand in their shadows, doing their dirty work. And if I fail, that shadow slips for a moment and I am lost within their ungrateful gaze. I deserve that which others have obtained. I have been flawless in my capability. My precision has been perfect. I have been adamant in my duty and obedient.
And yet my sacrifices mean nothing. It has all been in vain. Why am I doing this? Why should I continue to suffer the morning? It could all go away into the abyss. I could be my own king- free and comfortable. And yet, I keep giving. I keep sacrificing. And it is all for naught.
Why?
Because I am me. I am who I am.
Used.
I am simply a pawn on a chessmaster's board, forced to obey the rules of the game while others are free to move as they please. They don't see me. They don't know me. I simply stand in their shadows, doing their dirty work. And if I fail, that shadow slips for a moment and I am lost within their ungrateful gaze. I deserve that which others have obtained. I have been flawless in my capability. My precision has been perfect. I have been adamant in my duty and obedient.
And yet my sacrifices mean nothing. It has all been in vain. Why am I doing this? Why should I continue to suffer the morning? It could all go away into the abyss. I could be my own king- free and comfortable. And yet, I keep giving. I keep sacrificing. And it is all for naught.
Why?
Because I am me. I am who I am.
23 August 2008
A Rant About Warcraft
I haven't posted much here lately which is a bit depressing seeing how I can't find the time to update this. So since I decided to post, lets talk about the most recent of things. The most exciting thing in my little conserved life has been the World of Warcraft expansion. Honestly, it looks amazing. The environment is astounding.
I don't have the Beta but I've played an Alpha Sandbox and explored quite a bit. The music is great, the detail to new content is fabulous- its a real change from Burning Crusade. I'd like to play again since I've kind of quit recently due to tremendous ordeals as well as the lack of interest to farm gold.
Which brings me to my next point. I did transfer servers almost a month ago, I suppose. I finally moved from Farstriders to Argent Dawn, without much research at all. I was told that it would have good RP and since everyone else was going there, I thought I'd get an early start. Thats when things got uncomfortable.
I didn't receive much detail in regards to who was coming along or what was happening. I spent hours researching interesting names for the guild and simply waited for everyone else. I soon realized that for a large server, there was hardly any RP and that I went from being the best paladin on the server to simply nothing- not even second rate. Quite humbling, actually.
I forgot to mention that I was just a tool in Heaven and Earth. I suppose I thought too highly of myself when I thought I was a key raider- attending every raid and giving up plenty of time only to be ignored when I announced my leaving. Hell, only one officer even spoke to me about it and when I left, there was pretty much no reaction. A year is a long time but apparently, I didn't fit into any of the cliches in the guild so nobody really cared, with the exception of a few people.
Now, when the charter was finally made, I was the first to sign it. I blindly agreed on everything- even when I thought the basis for the guild was stupid. So the guild name became Omerta, which reminded me of the guild Omerta back on Cenarion Circle (Won't get into that.)
So all my work into finding a decent name went to hell since some generic boring name with no history or value was decided on instead. For ranks, the old PvP titles were used. I personally found those titles to simply suck so that was another demerit on my list. And to top it all off, I log in one day to find myself a 'Sergeant' while there are a bunch of officers who I don't even know.
That doesn't cut it for me. I know its a game but I didn't transfer for these reasons. I transferred because I didn't want to be a tool anymore. I wanted to roleplay and have fun. I wanted to hang out with Becca since the story between our characters was expanding.
Instead, I was lied to and used only to be shoved away. Once again, I am simply in the shadows of 'greater' men. I don't want this. I want to enjoy myself.
I continue to sacrifice for the people I like and in return, I feel devalued, pushed away, and simply betrayed. Maybe its time to finally let go.
And as I think that thought, my mind drifts to Azurio and I realize I'm just like him because letting go is almost next to impossible when you have almost nothing already. I let go now, and I won't know anyone anymore. I won't have anything left.
Its a sad inner life I live when it comes to the game. But when I only have about 4-5 hours of freetime a day with the exception of weekends, its really the only thing I can enjoy- and I'd really like to have fun again.
I don't have the Beta but I've played an Alpha Sandbox and explored quite a bit. The music is great, the detail to new content is fabulous- its a real change from Burning Crusade. I'd like to play again since I've kind of quit recently due to tremendous ordeals as well as the lack of interest to farm gold.
Which brings me to my next point. I did transfer servers almost a month ago, I suppose. I finally moved from Farstriders to Argent Dawn, without much research at all. I was told that it would have good RP and since everyone else was going there, I thought I'd get an early start. Thats when things got uncomfortable.
I didn't receive much detail in regards to who was coming along or what was happening. I spent hours researching interesting names for the guild and simply waited for everyone else. I soon realized that for a large server, there was hardly any RP and that I went from being the best paladin on the server to simply nothing- not even second rate. Quite humbling, actually.
I forgot to mention that I was just a tool in Heaven and Earth. I suppose I thought too highly of myself when I thought I was a key raider- attending every raid and giving up plenty of time only to be ignored when I announced my leaving. Hell, only one officer even spoke to me about it and when I left, there was pretty much no reaction. A year is a long time but apparently, I didn't fit into any of the cliches in the guild so nobody really cared, with the exception of a few people.
Now, when the charter was finally made, I was the first to sign it. I blindly agreed on everything- even when I thought the basis for the guild was stupid. So the guild name became Omerta, which reminded me of the guild Omerta back on Cenarion Circle (Won't get into that.)
So all my work into finding a decent name went to hell since some generic boring name with no history or value was decided on instead. For ranks, the old PvP titles were used. I personally found those titles to simply suck so that was another demerit on my list. And to top it all off, I log in one day to find myself a 'Sergeant' while there are a bunch of officers who I don't even know.
That doesn't cut it for me. I know its a game but I didn't transfer for these reasons. I transferred because I didn't want to be a tool anymore. I wanted to roleplay and have fun. I wanted to hang out with Becca since the story between our characters was expanding.
Instead, I was lied to and used only to be shoved away. Once again, I am simply in the shadows of 'greater' men. I don't want this. I want to enjoy myself.
I continue to sacrifice for the people I like and in return, I feel devalued, pushed away, and simply betrayed. Maybe its time to finally let go.
And as I think that thought, my mind drifts to Azurio and I realize I'm just like him because letting go is almost next to impossible when you have almost nothing already. I let go now, and I won't know anyone anymore. I won't have anything left.
Its a sad inner life I live when it comes to the game. But when I only have about 4-5 hours of freetime a day with the exception of weekends, its really the only thing I can enjoy- and I'd really like to have fun again.
08 June 2008
Hillary or Bust
Its pretty sad to see radical democrats demand that Hillary be the nominee or either vote for McCain or not vote at all. Just take a look at some of these comments from HillaryClinton.com
Its pretty silly. No, not even that. Ridiculous even. These people- these bigots will be destroying the country with their ignorance and pride. I am in no means a democrat but just seeing something like this makes me want to break things."No V.P. It would be a 'slap in the face' to Senator Clinton and ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE!!!
Take it to the Convention. We will support you all the way!!""GO HILLARY!! TAKE IT TO THE CONVENTION!!"
" If Sen. Clinton stays in the race, I will donate as much as I can whenever I can, because I believe in her, we all do, we are no longer invisible."
"[Caucuses are] the worst process anyone has ever had to undergo. I live in Texas and we had to undergo the infamous "Texas Two-Step." It was such a farse and a waste of time. I have never been part of such a mess. [Caucuses] should be illegal. "
"I encourage every Hillary supporter to be patient, stay strong like our candidate and write her in come the general election."
"We will accept nothing less than Hillary as the President of the United States. We will unify behind Hillary, or unify behind McCain. We will not unify behind Obama. End of discussion."
"Please go to Denver and please do not concede or give up your delegates. You are the chosen one. The Lord will see you through if you stay the course."
"If you can not vote for Mccain, why not consider the third party candidate. Obama is not a real democrat. He has no ideology. In addition, he is not a gentleman. He isn't qualified in either ability or morality."
27 May 2008
In Hearts and Minds
I've had strange dreams lately, I suppose. Today, I had a dream where I was sent back to Basic Training for some reason. It wasn't a "In the past" dream but instead, quite the opposite.
I didn't even have time to pack. I was simply sent there and I was under the impression that I'd be in the same squadron with the same training instructor like in my original journey. Instead it was a different squadron with an instructor that looked just like the Master Sergeant that I work for right now in the office.
At first I was like "I can do this again. I've done it before. But I'm A1C now so should I have stripes on my uniform or what? Why am I here?"
I kept questioning myself as if in disbelief as to why I was back here in Lackland. Then my instructor came out and we all lined up against the wall. He screamed right in my face and I simply froze in fear, right after I thought to myself- "This won't be a problem. Nothing to be afraid of."
It was unexpected. However that was the only time he yelled. I realized how casual it was compared to my first time there. The instructor was relaxed and I thought to myself- "This is ridiculous. Is this how people get trained here now?"
Then for some reason, I received a huge mini cannon from Dan as a package and I had no place to put it so the instructor offered to keep it in his room for the time being. Real strange. I just finished watching The Jackal again so I'm sure the memories of the weapon from there moved on to the dream.
Still. This was my second dream about going back to Bootcamp. I realize that I don't want to go there again for any reason.
In other news, I went to the Airman Leader class on saturday and passed the marching evaluation which is a good thing I guess. Will I get a rope now? We will see. Still no class or news about my clearance. I'm going to have to bother some people about it, I guess.
My movie critiques- they need to be more in-depth, I realize. So instead of putting them in this blog which is really meant to be about my thoughts about random things, I'm going to create a separate blog for them and maybe just get video capability so that I can make them visual. Eh who knows.
This past week has been miserable and I felt like I could hate half the world if not all of it. But things have calmed down. I've cooped myself in my tiny little room throughout the weekend and relaxed. I don't want to see anyone right now. I don't want to be on this base much longer. I came here to get a new job, learn it, and get out of training mode.
I want to be more stable. I want a place where I can settle down a bit, maybe explore the town without curfews or the knowledge that I'll be in one place for awhile and not always on the move. I need to be more organized and stop spending money on petty things. Maybe start saving for a car, who knows. Its almost my 1 year mark and I'm still in training status. It sucks.
Aside from that, I suppose things are fine.
I didn't even have time to pack. I was simply sent there and I was under the impression that I'd be in the same squadron with the same training instructor like in my original journey. Instead it was a different squadron with an instructor that looked just like the Master Sergeant that I work for right now in the office.
At first I was like "I can do this again. I've done it before. But I'm A1C now so should I have stripes on my uniform or what? Why am I here?"
I kept questioning myself as if in disbelief as to why I was back here in Lackland. Then my instructor came out and we all lined up against the wall. He screamed right in my face and I simply froze in fear, right after I thought to myself- "This won't be a problem. Nothing to be afraid of."
It was unexpected. However that was the only time he yelled. I realized how casual it was compared to my first time there. The instructor was relaxed and I thought to myself- "This is ridiculous. Is this how people get trained here now?"
Then for some reason, I received a huge mini cannon from Dan as a package and I had no place to put it so the instructor offered to keep it in his room for the time being. Real strange. I just finished watching The Jackal again so I'm sure the memories of the weapon from there moved on to the dream.
Still. This was my second dream about going back to Bootcamp. I realize that I don't want to go there again for any reason.
In other news, I went to the Airman Leader class on saturday and passed the marching evaluation which is a good thing I guess. Will I get a rope now? We will see. Still no class or news about my clearance. I'm going to have to bother some people about it, I guess.
My movie critiques- they need to be more in-depth, I realize. So instead of putting them in this blog which is really meant to be about my thoughts about random things, I'm going to create a separate blog for them and maybe just get video capability so that I can make them visual. Eh who knows.
This past week has been miserable and I felt like I could hate half the world if not all of it. But things have calmed down. I've cooped myself in my tiny little room throughout the weekend and relaxed. I don't want to see anyone right now. I don't want to be on this base much longer. I came here to get a new job, learn it, and get out of training mode.
I want to be more stable. I want a place where I can settle down a bit, maybe explore the town without curfews or the knowledge that I'll be in one place for awhile and not always on the move. I need to be more organized and stop spending money on petty things. Maybe start saving for a car, who knows. Its almost my 1 year mark and I'm still in training status. It sucks.
Aside from that, I suppose things are fine.
11 May 2008
XXX
This movie sucked.
It sucked back when I watched it on release, and it sucks now when I watched it on DVD. Vin Diesel's bad ass character didn't cut it, the chick was annoying, the enemies were idiots and the plot was unoriginal.
Its typically James Bond for teenagers. Add a guy who is awesome at every sport, swears, has tattoos everywhere, and then some, and you're going to get a movie that was painful for me to watch. After an hour, I was struggling- I mean I was really struggling to continue watching this god awful movie. The last 30 minutes were ridiculously long. I was in pain.
I hear they came out with a sequel too later on. Of course, it was directed by the guy who made The Fast and the Furious. Is he in love with Vin Diesel or what? Whats up with him being in all these movies? The only good role he played was in Chronicles of Riddick but even then, he STILL had that same badass attitude.
Theres nothing new about this movie. If you want to waste some time watching a movie of people with bad accents, alot of techno display, fake looking weapons, and plain out horrible acting, this movie is for you. And no, I won't go see the sequel.
I give XXX a horrible score of 1 out of 5.
It sucked back when I watched it on release, and it sucks now when I watched it on DVD. Vin Diesel's bad ass character didn't cut it, the chick was annoying, the enemies were idiots and the plot was unoriginal.
Its typically James Bond for teenagers. Add a guy who is awesome at every sport, swears, has tattoos everywhere, and then some, and you're going to get a movie that was painful for me to watch. After an hour, I was struggling- I mean I was really struggling to continue watching this god awful movie. The last 30 minutes were ridiculously long. I was in pain.
I hear they came out with a sequel too later on. Of course, it was directed by the guy who made The Fast and the Furious. Is he in love with Vin Diesel or what? Whats up with him being in all these movies? The only good role he played was in Chronicles of Riddick but even then, he STILL had that same badass attitude.
Theres nothing new about this movie. If you want to waste some time watching a movie of people with bad accents, alot of techno display, fake looking weapons, and plain out horrible acting, this movie is for you. And no, I won't go see the sequel.
I give XXX a horrible score of 1 out of 5.
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